Archive for Alan Thicke

We break for an infomercial.

Remember when you could make $50,000 a week placing tiny classified ads? Don Lapre does. In fact, he remembers it so well that he eventually brought his conmanship up to new heights through such as “The Greatest Vitamin In The World,” which could, in his words, cure cancer.

But before he discovered it’s easy to scam people by saying the words “cancer” and “treatment” adjacently, he kept on the “i help you place advertisements in places” money train. In this case, it was meant to take over shopping malls. Imagine, an incredible store, full of 3×8 billboards! With lit semi-translucent plastic lighting behind them! And a tiny video screen, playing a video of your product all day long!

Wait, you say you don’t have a video of your product? Some would say it sucks to be you, but Don Lapre thrust out his glowing ET finger waiting for you to touch it. He would produce and create a video all about your new and exciting product. An innovative product you’re losing clearly losing millions on as you remain just sitting on it!

It’d be like an arcade, except the games are basically just a giant marquee near a 4-inch screen showing all the non-interactive fun you’re not having!

For added credibility, he enlisted the help of the Growing Pains’ star with the most self-promoting last name ever, Alan Thicke. He would help seal the deal by showing up intoxicated and talking about his helicopter presented by Cindy Crawford.

An actual Incredible Products Store was never built.

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